I Fist-Fight μ’s: A definitive list of which Love Live! girls I could beat up

Why, oh why, does Love Live! make us suffer by naming its idol group μ’s? I have to copy and paste that stupid symbol every time. These girls have no business being this pretentious – they’re a fucking school idol group, not a noise-rock group. There’s no way the Love Live! scoreboards/websites supported that special character. For the first few weeks, I can almost guarantee their name came up as � ‘s on the competition’s website. That’s probably why A-RISE was always ahead of them…behind the scenes, the site runners were getting tired of having to only use fonts that supported Greek characters.

A few weeks ago, I read the excellent PopLurker article “I Fist-Fight Sesame Street,” and it got me thinking. Which fictional group of characters could I fist-fight? And, more importantly, which group of characters deserves to be beat up? Then it hit me (pun intended): μ’s deserves to be beat up. I love them, but I have a lot of pent-up rage from every time I had to Google “greek symbol muse” so that I could write about these little turds.

I’m not the strongest girl, but I am 5”9’ and can do exactly one push-up on a good day, so I can probably take most of them on. They work-out regularly and are probably in better shape than me, but they’re also all children, so I’m confident that my grownass fist could do them in.

Here’s how the battles would probably go down:

Honoka Kousaka

(I’m a scrub and write their names the Western way)

Honoka is a fool. Sure, she’s incredibly determined and has the power to stop rain on command, but she doesn’t know her own limits. If this was a planned fight, she would probably get so into training beforehand that she would work herself to exhaustion. I wouldn’t even have to fight her, actually. She’d get the flu and pass out or something.

Jenn Wins

Kotori Minami

I’ll be honest – I don’t trust Kotori. Behind that high-pitched voice and constant smile is a madwoman, I just know it. I don’t think she would fight fair, and she may resort to calling upon her bird brethren to peck my eyes out. On top of this, since she makes the outfits for u’s (I’m not pasting that Greek shit in again), she would probably show up to the fight decked out in some kind of armored sailor suit or something. I am no match for her.

Kotori Wins

Umi Sonoda

Like Honoka, Umi is also a fool. She’s a skilled marksman, but we’re not bringing bows and arrows into this fight – it’s all about the fists. Plus, I’ve seen her in card games, and I know she wouldn’t be able to bluff any punches or hide her stances or you know, whatever you call all that boxing/fighting stuff (look, I’m not watching Megalobox, okay, I know nothing about fighting). Point is, I could take Umi down, easy.

Jenn Wins

Hanayo Koizumi

A no-brainer. Hanayo would never fight me. She would just cry.

Jenn Wins

Rin Hoshizora

Rin, on the other hand, would probably scratch my fucking eyes out or something. Any girl who says ~nyaa that often has to know how to defend themselves, because if not they’re going to get beat up by any normie bully who crosses their path. She would destroy me.

Rin Wins

Maki Nishikino

Maki…is my wife. But not like, my real wife because that would be weird and she’s fifteen and what I mean actually is that um

I can’t win against her, she’s my favorite girl. She probably hates the whole u’s thing, too. I’ll let her have this one.

Maki Wins

Nozomi Tenjou

Okay, there’s no way I would beat Nozomi. She would crush me in her thighs like Zangeef. She’s a maniac, a sociopath. Have you seen her attack her very own friends with no remorse? She would washi-washi me to death. Actually, she wouldn’t even have to take it that far – she could probably knock me right on my ass just by swinging her big pigtails at me.

Nozomi Wins

Eli Ayase

She’s Russian. I stand no chance.

Eli Wins

Nico Yazawa

Finally, the girl we all want to fight. This little bitch is like, barely five feet tall. She would try to win me over with some dramatic “Nico-Nico-Napalm” attack or something, but we know she’s all bark and no bite. I would pick her up with one hand and throw her straight into the garbage where she belongs.

Jenn Wins

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Oh, I did a really bad job fighting them, actually. I only won against four of them, and I don’t even think I should count that Hanayo fight…oh well, whatever. It was the thought that counted.

Don’t think that Aquors is safe from my rage. Look at that spelling. In what world is that pronounced Aqua? Or Aquas? I don’t even remember which one it is, because I’ve just been calling them “the Sunshine ones” out of spite. I’ll fight them next week.

(Or not, who knows…I’m bad at writing the things I say I’m gonna write.)

(Also, PopLurker is awesome and you should check them out if you haven’t already! I’ve even written about my favorite movie for them!!)