I Fist-Fight Aqours: A definitive list of which LoveLive! Sunshine! girls could beat my ass

Last week, I beat up μ’s because of their dumbass name. This week, I’m going to beat up Aqours for their dumbass name.

Aqours. Where do I even begin with that one?? If you remember from season one, Dia came up with the name, but she tried to play it off like the ocean magically bestowed it upon the girls. Are you kidding? As if the ocean wouldn’t’ve known that the laws of grammar puts the U after the Q. Nice try. Like, why is something pronounced “Aqua” spelled like that?? It’s like when your classmate Megan goes through a phase in sixth grade and starts unnecessarily spelling her name Meayghan. Or, Meayqouhan.

I actually got my ass semi-kicked last week by the OG LoveLive! girls, but I’m a little more confident this time around. The Sunshine gals are tiny – there isn’t a thicc member amongst them. Therefore, as I am a giant red-headed viking beast compared to them, they’re going down. …I hope.

Chika Takami

Chika’s got the passion, that’s for sure, but if I could beat Honoka, I can definitely beat Honoka’s wannabe. She would probably, like, want to lose just like Honoka did so that she could follow in the footsteps of her idol or something. Sorry, aspire to be a more powerful member of μ’s next time, girly.

Jenn Wins

Riko Sakurauchi

Riko is a wimp. She’s afraid of dogs, so I would obviously be able to take her cowardly self down. Granted, I am also afraid of dogs, and have been repeatedly terrorized by my friend’s toothless chihuahua, but that’s not the point. She doesn’t know this. But I know her fear, so I have the upper hand. I show up dressed up in a sheepdog fursuit and destroy her.

Jenn Wins

You Watanabe

This is a challenge. She would put up a good fight, that’s for sure. But, as we know from the anime, my girl is uncoordinated as funk because she can’t always keep up with choreography,  so her footwork must be awful.

I’m going to count this as a tie, though, because I think if I was fighting her normally, I would win, but if she came to the fight in her walrus outfit, she would topple me like a something that is easily toppled.

Tie, I guess

Ruby Kurosawa

Oh my God, I think I can really beat most of them this time! Ruby is a lil bitch, so obviously I win. In fact, she doesn’t even show up to the fight! I shouldn’t count her forfeit towards me, but I will, because I have lose all sense of a moral compass after my 12th round of beating up teenage girls!

Jenn wins

Yoshiko Tsushima

Oh. Dang. It looks like this marks the end of my winning streak. I would have beaten her, but I called her Yoshiko instead of Yohanne and she flipped. She summons her “little demons” to get me, which is actually just her straight up throwing a bunch of rocks at me. I’m out.

Yoshiko wins

Hanamaru Kunikada

Great. Hanamaru has taken inspiration from Yoshiko and is just pelting me with giant books. Shit. I’m losing it here.

Hanamaru wins

Dia Kurosawa

Oh. Oh. She heard what I said about her sister earlier, and she is not happy. She has destroyed me, and has also barred me from starting any clubs at Uranoshi. Bzzzzzzzzt.

Dia wins

Kanan Matsuura

Alright, maybe I’m not going to come out on top here after all. Kanan is super in shape, like, super in shape even for someone who’s a full-fledged idol. I think she does triathlons. I, on the other hand, don’t even know how to swim. Look at her strength shown above!!

I only have one advantage: I got more screen-time than her in season one, and I’m not even on the show. This isn’t enough to earn me a win, though…she pummels me.

Kanan Wins

Mari Ohara

I honestly think Mari would come to the fight with some crazy Batman shit going on. She could hire someone to build her some crazy death gauntlets. She is super rich, after all.

Actually, if she was feeling really saucy, she could just come and land her helicopter on top of me. I’d be flattened right there on Uranoshi Academy’s roof-top.

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Wow, this was a disappointment, too. I was going strong for a minute there, but now I’ve literally been murdered. And I didn’t even have the decency to be murdered by Dia, either, like I’ve always wanted! They might not know how to spell, but they sure know how to beat up grown-ass women during their weird, fictional blog posts.

Welp! See you next week when I’ve recovered from the shame of being beaten up by children!