Full disclosure: this post’s less about the anime and more about the me. Well, okay, most of my posts end up being more about myself than anime, but this one’s especially going to be more journal-like. Somewhere along the way, this anime blog became more of a feelings blog, probably because I don’t have as much time to dissect anime as I used to…
I’m fizzling out a bit at the moment. I’ve been thinking a more about why it is I started this blog in the first place. I wrote a big thing on the topic a little while ago, but apparently that wasn’t enough to get out all my thoughts on the subject.
Yeah, I think fiction is important and brings people closer, which is what I wrote about before, but still, was that really what drove me to write in the first place? Yeah, I love doing this and I’m super thankful for the audience I have, but like, damn, I would love to get paid…
Money is hard. I think, realistically, if I relied on writing to make a living, I would end up hating writing just as much as I hate my regular job. (Okay, my regular job isn’t that bad, but I mean, I don’t love it.) It does suck that I can’t just do the things I love for a living. I want to be able to be afforded the ability to focus on the things I love while still being able to eat! Is that too much to ask???
I have this really insidious thought that says nothing I do matters if it’s not making me money. I have to constantly remind myself that I should relax and do things I enjoy (like blogging!) whether it’s making me money or not. I know, deep down, that the things we do and our individual worth isn’t really measured by how much money we make, but when I see those student loan amounts, I can’t help but want to monetize every moment of my life. Which is…unrealistic, and would be pretty unhealthy.
Of course, I know there are ways to make money blogging. Affiliate links and Ko-Fis and all that. But I don’t really actually want to turn this into a second job type of deal. I feel like that would actually be counter-productive. Which I know sounds contradictory…because it is. My brain makes no sense!
At the end of the day I’m just thankful that anyone cares enough to read anything I write in any capacity. Yet that increasing, looming feeling of time wasted remains. It’s just so hard to enjoy things fully as an adult – I constantly feel like time is running out or that I’m supposed to be doing something else.
I guess what I’m saying is, the future is scary and it’s really easy to feel like you need to be constantly trying to claw your way towards something better. I’m constantly seeing friends of mine make posts about their cool jobs and cool projects and internships, and I get bummed about it because all I’ve got going on is an entry level data job and an anime blog. Which is silly, because I shouldn’t be ungrateful.
It’s just rough, and it’s hard to shake those feelings of inadequacy. I still have a strong interest in becoming a ~real writer~. But then, I look at the professional world there, and it’s not an environment I think I would actually enjoy being a part of. Yet, I still at least want to break into this world, and figure out how to make it work in my own way. To do that, I need to put a lot of work in for free and learn a lot more skills. You know, on top of working forty hours a week. It’s really overwhelming. And even though I am working towards some clear goals and putting in the effort, I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. Which gets in the way of me enjoying myself and relaxing.
What’s my point here? Well, mostly I wanted to get some feelings out, but I didn’t just come here to whine. I know that, at the end of the day, a lot of people feel the same way that I do. I was hoping that I could use these feelings of mine to show anyone else that, yeah, these are normal feelings that a lot of people can relate to. Obviously, we’re not all in the EXACT same boat – some of you do make money writing, and some of you are happy with your jobs and really do just blog on the side for fun. Still, I can bet that most of us have struggled with these feelings that we’re not doing the right thing. We’ve all struggled with self-doubt and compared ourselves to others, whether it be career-wise or even just blog stat wise.
This is a reminder, to myself and all of y’all, that it’s important to just do something because it makes you happy. It takes a looooong time to become the person you want to be, so you can’t expect yourself to automatically jump up in the world. You also have to recognize that there are a lot of obstacles in the way – if you aspire to a career that’s even remotely considered to be creative, there are a million businesses trying to exploit you and make you work for free. It’s hard, and we need money to live, so you can’t beat yourself up for having to grind at another job in the meantime.
Yeah, there are people who have made it big as writers or artists or whatever, but there’s a whole side to their struggle that you’re not seeing. You see these people at their peak, and don’t see the years of failures and rejections that they’ve had to endure. And, sheesh, some people just straight up have it easier – maybe they had a connection to the top that rocketed them up, or maybe their parents were rich and paid their rent for them while they worked on their passion projects. Point is, don’t compare yourselves to others. Everyone’s situation is different. Take care of yourself, and let yourself have some fun!
These things take time! Keep your head up and move forward! Appreciate what you have! Etc, etc! These are the things I need to hear, so I want to make sure you all get to hear it, too. This post’s corny and it’s definitely a bit self-indulgent, but it’s important stuff. Becoming comfortable with the work I do and the things I’ve accomplished has been a huge struggle for me, but the more I express that stuff, the better I feel. So, if you’ve ever felt the same way, share it! Let me know what you do to cope, or, if you’re in nirvana and no longer have all this self-doubt, tell me what your secret is!