Well, well, well. Here we are, on a fine whatever-day-I-schedule-this-to-post. And here I am, trying to shit out some content. I have a giant list of things I’d like to write, but they all require research or actual critical analyses or watching something and boooooooooooooooooooooooo I don’t want to do real work right now! But I do want to write. So here I am. Writing. A thing. I guess.
I’ve made a resolution to post more often in the new year. I’ve burnt myself out in the past by exclusively planning posts that end up being suuuuper time-consuming. So part of this resolution is to kick back and write some fluffy, easy posts every once in a while. Maybe a few quick listicles now and then.
…Then that word listicle triggered something in my brain. LISTICLE. It makes me think of shitty BuzzFeed content, or those websites that make you click through penis enlargement ads before you can find out which 90’s celebrity you are based on your zodiac sign’s mother’s birthday.
Most of all, it reminded me of…SP00N UNIVERSITY.
I hope they don’t find this post. I’m going to replace the OOs in sp o on with 0s so that they can’t find me through the wonders of SEO. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, exactly. It’s not like they’re my employer. I just don’t want them to, like, bitterly delete my wonderfully trashy listicles.
Let me explain. In college, I studied television and film. At first, I thought I wanted to make television and film, but then I realized I mostly just wanted to write about television and film. I expressed this to a roommate, who then excitedly told me that she had found a hot new website called Sp00n University. Basically, it’s a website that gets college students to churn out food related content for ~experience~. You know, like an unpaid internship. Or as I like to call them – scams!
In order to write for them, we had to start a chapter at our college. We even had to do a little interview over the phone in order to be in charge of the chapter. We
forced invited our friends to join, and we were on our way. Little did we know, though, these guys at Sp00000n were going to request A WHOLE FRIGGIN’ LOT OF CONTENT. Essentially, they wanted us to treat it like a whole ass job. A whole ass job where we didn’t get paid nor did we get any school credit.
So we panicked. We panicked and wrote some absolute trash, and then we quit because it was dumb as hell. Wanna read some of my trash?
This one actually isn’t that bad, it’s just really funny to me and me only. See, Sp00000000000000/\/ University would give us these prompts if we took too long to come up with a content idea ourselves, and one of those prompts was to write an “article” that was basically a bunch of YouTube links about food. So I just typed food into the YouTube search bar and picked out anything that I thought would fit this prompt.
…but then I realized I could sneak in my personal favorite Internet weirdo – Showry, a South Korean woman who makes ridiculous (and fetishy) videos that parody the mukbang trend. This lady will put on a revealing outfit, wink at the camera, and then do shit like bathe in ketchup or kiss raw chicken while in a maid outfit. It’s really funny, but also really fucking weird and inappropriate. I’m so glad that she made it into this article, because I fully expected the editors to veto her inclusion. If y’all are going to exploit my labor, I’m going to expose your readers to the weird shit I like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (P.S. Showry hasn’t posted in a long time and I miss her so much)
I GENUINELY PUT SO MUCH TIME INTO THIS ARTICLE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Yes, astrology is a classic trashy listicle topic, but I put my BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS INTO THIS!!!!! Like, I polled my friends for “research” and everything. I wish I still had the notes I had with all the Food Network stars.
I’m pretty sure I had some actual jokes written into this one that Spo0o0o0on removed, and I was really mad. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do? My IRL friends read it and enjoyed it, and most importantly, I got some hate mail because a Pisces was mad that they were Jamie Oliver! It was awesome!
THEY TOLD ME I NEEDED TO WRITE A THING AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO COOK REAL FOOD SO I JUST DID THIS. It’s so funny because they made someone who had signed up to be a photographer come over and photograph the potatoes. I’m so sorry I made you climb up all the stairs to my apartment for this, Liam.
I learned that writing quizzes for content was an option, and also learned that they were WAY easier than recipes or listicles. Needless to say, suddenly our whole chapter was putting out A LOT of quizzes after this discovery. Anyways, as a college delinquent, I spent a lot of time being under the influence and also being at a Denny’s, which prompted this quiz. If you’re reading this, I implore you to take the quiz and tell me your results. It won’t take you very long, I promise – I was very lazy.
AND HERE IT IS, MY MAGNUM OPUS:
Secretly, it’s always been my dream to write one of those weird sex position quizzes for Cosmopolitan that tells you to try something that would almost certainly break your partner’s back. Most likely, I will never get to do that, but I DID WRITE THIS SHIT, WHICH IS STILL PRETTY GOOD. Please tell me your results, I need to know. According to my own listicle, I should be trying “the pretzel,” which sounds like it could kill me so I will definitely not ever be doing it.
Dear Sp()()n, if you get pinged back by WordPress, please don’t get mad at me and remove my beautiful works of art. Hey, unpaid intern editor who might see this, please don’t tell corporate I’m bitching. Just let me have this one listicle about how much I hated all of my listicles. Thank you, you benevolent content queens.
(Unless you remove my stuff, in which case, FUCK OFF CONTENT QUNTS!)
Fellow bloggers, fellow writers – have you ever written for another website? Did you ever desperately try to sell listicle content? Or, in my case, did you ever let another website farm your content under the guise of “experience” and “exposure” like a fool? Please tell me all about it, and let me read your trash.